Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Hello. Welcome. Hi.

Yes. It's 11:15pm on a Tuesday night and I have found I cannot sleep. Last night I worked til 11:30pm and didn't get to bed til an hour later and then woke up today at 6:15am for school. Whoever said college was the best years of of lives was probably high.

I feel like such a grandma sometimes, I'm angry that my job makes me stay up til midnight. My perfect life is going to sleep at the same time every night: 9:30pm and then awake at 6am the next morning. Is that weird? I just get so much out of my days and now I just feel so unmotivated and ill. My body honestly doesn't understand what the heck is happening because it can't handle this type of exhaustion. It's one of those ridiculously sensitive things my bodies all about. I just want to say "who cares!" to my body and tell it to let loose, but my thoughts of worry destroy any of that type of thinking.

I'm just in a pit of confusion and .. melancholy you could say. One thing that gets me going is buying clothes, oh yeah, even though I've spent $500 on my hair (going back blonde, WHY THE HECK DID I GO DARK) and I still just want to BUY BUY BUY more clothes because I feel like I don't have the clothes that my style needs. Like I'm still wearing what I loved 3 years ago, but now I hate it, yet can't throw it away! I need a major shopping spree with major cash. God, doesn't it suck not being able to get something? It's a ridiculous thing that I never really understood/understand. In your mind it's possible, yet it's impossible in reality. Like today I was going to sign up for a contest to get a chance to go to Coachella and see the band that I know will literally change my life (Bastille: Dan Smith = Ultimate fangirl moment) yet I even pulled over on the side of the road to create an account to be able to sign up on my iphone. I was so excited and had high hopes but then it proceeded to tell me I needed $1,200 ppoints. What. The. Heck. Crush my dreams don't cha! I want so many things in life and in my imagination it's right before me but in life it's so far away that there is a zero chance of it happening. Yes, I've had to come to terms that Leonardo Dicaprio is not going to randomly see me in a coffee shop and ask for my hand in marriage. Poop.

So here's to the nights of utter rambling and a fresh start on a new month of the new year (which I've totally blown January. FML.). Also a new blog. Welcome. Whoever you are. Blank Space of an abyss of life.
This is your heart .. can you feel it ... can you feel it ..

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